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The Day Of The Sunflowers/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW My wife buys a whole whack of these glossy magazines. Then she gives them to me for some reason. I don't know why. There's never any truck pictures or boats for sale or anything. What they do have in them is a bunch of articles about being sensitive. I don't wanna be sensitive. If I was sensitive, I'd be incredibly depressed. But there is something of value in these magazines... The little scent strips from all the perfume ads, you just rip them out and then what you do is you duct tape them to the cards on one of these rolodex units here. Every one of these free perfume samples goes into your rolodex machine. Oh, yeah, sure, it means that you're not going to be able to phone anybody because you're not going to have their number anymore, but that's just a happy side effect, because what we have now is an automatic power air freshener. Now, you may wonder why I would need an automatic power air freshener, but then you've never smelled the inside of the possum van in the middle of July. [ hacking cough ] [ sucks in breath ] right, now what you do -- whew! Is mount the unit over the defrost vents on your dash. You start her up -- now you turn your fan on full speed and let the good smells roll. [ cheers and applause ] okay, easy, now. Easy! Thank you very much. Well, big news at the lodge. This is beautify possum lake campaign week. Oh, yeah, they got everybody pitching in, trying to improve the appearance of their properties. Kind of a community togetherness thing. A real pain in the neck, I'll tell you. If you don't do it you're looking at $1,000 fine. You've probably already guessed what brilliant mind was behind this plan, huh? Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] I'm here for the $1,000. Why are you doing this, harold? To attract tourists. It's all part of our big campaign to draw people back to the natural beauty of the environment. Visit possum lake, and answer the call of nature. Unfortunately the lodge is visible from the highway, so the council says clean it up or get fined. Well, I'm way, way, way ahead of you, harold. Excuses? Know what these are? They're sunflower seeds. I planted them this morning. I'm gonna hide the lodge with sunflowers. Uncle red, sunflower seeds don't grow that fast or that high. Well, they can if you get the right fertilizer. Winston gave me this free sample from his sewage truck. He got it from the port asbestos nuclear waste facility. Is that safe? Oh, harold, nuclear power is our friend. Anyway, it's not like I'm gonna put a warhead on a sunflower or anything. Wow! It's like you can see them growing. You can! You can see them growing. Look! Look, uncle red! It's like they turn their faces toward the sun. It's like they have a brain. No, harold, you don't need a brain to stand in the sun. Look at your tan. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives a coupon for three pairs of stainless steel underwear. It's right, it's light, it doesn't rust and it's virtually wedgie proof! Okay, red, you got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And... Go! Okay, winston, if something is in vogue, it's probably also in... Cosmo? Okay, no, but those are magazines, and they got models in 'em, okay? What are they promoting? Anorexia. Okay, no, no. This is a sense. You don't have it. But a lot of people do. Smell. Okay, this is something that helps a person choose what to wear. A wife. Oh, I know. Europeans are famous for it. In fact, there's a french expression, haute couture. Armpit hair! Time's almost up, red. Oh, come on, winston. What do you call any trend in clothing? Oh, red, I don't much follow trends. You know, I'm true to myself. I suck sewage. I guess I'm old-fashioned that way. There we go! [ ♪ ] welcome to the expert portion of the show. This is where we feature those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! That's true, because they don't say it very -- all right, today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts --" la la la la la. "yesterday was my wife's birthday. "ordinarily I would have gotten her "some jewellery or perfume, "but since I'm an enlightened husband, "I bought her a 12-inch reciprocating saw. "she burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom. "where did I go wrong? "should I have bought her a bigger saw?" probably not. Women sometimes cry when they're happy, but they never leave the room. Sounds to me like you blew it big time here, buddy. I concur with mr. Green. I've often given gifts to women, but if it's not the correct gift, or perhaps it was not acquired in a perfectly legal context, then there's often a confrontational aftermath associated with the presentation of said gift. But you know what I think? I think women give off lots of signals as to what it is they really want. But if you fail to pick up on those signals, it's really your fault, not hers. Well, good for you, harold. And you know, if I didn't have a woman in my life, I'd have lots of theories too. I'm just saying that women say what they want. I mean, you have to be able to listen to those things. You gotta be hearing properly. Sorry, what? Okay, if you know so much, then what's the perfect gift for aunt bernice? Well, it's not that easy, harold. Ha! Ha! No, I agree. I mean, you gotta give a gift that's nice enough so that she'll know that you care for her, but if you give her too special a gift, then she's gonna think you're covering up for something you did wrong. No! No! No! No, I disagree with that approach. No, if you're in a trusting, honest relationship, you can be generous without consequences. Harold, harold, if you're in any kind of relationship, you can't do anything without consequences. I hate consequences. Okay, well, I'm going to have to apologize to this man who wrote in, because obviously we can't agree on anything. So my suggestion is just follow with your own heart. I can't believe it. You know, I think if I was married to you guys, I'd kill myself. Harold, you wouldn't have to. Choosing the right parking spot is a fine art, isn't it? Oh, I know they teach fine art in university, but this is the kind you can actually use. Now, the main item you're looking for here is shade. It's important to keep your car as cool as possible, especially if you have vinyl seats. Even more so if you have black vinyl seats and you're wearing a bathing suit, because skin grafts can be very expensive. But you know, you can't always find a spot under a tree. So today I'm going to show you how to protect your vehicle with something I like to call portable shade. Okay, I'm gonna start with a couple of these retractable tape measures. Oh, I know what you're thinking... Hey, if this involves accurate measurement, count me out. [ chuckling ] accurate measurement. I'll have to remember that one. No, no, we're actually going to use these as simple mounting units. What you want to do is to mount your tape measures onto your vehicle just above and in front of the hood. And you can use whatever fastening devices best suits the look and style of your car. Okay, now, I've attached a couple of old drapery rods to the top of the tape measures. I like using them because they're flexible, but they're stiff enough to stay an inch or so above the body of the car. See, that allows for air flow. When you get to my age, air flow is crucial. By the way, don't let your wife catch you doing this with her brand new drapery rods, or it'll be curtains for you. Okay, now we attach the other ends of the drapery rods to this luggage rack. If you don't have a luggage rack, you can take one off of any british car. They use 'em to carry bicycles around because they're cars are so useless, you really gotta have a backup plan. Okay, so now all we need is our shade. Now, you could go with cloth drapes or sheet metal or one of aretha franklin's dresses, but I prefer to use something waterproof and less expensive. That's right, shower curtains. I had to trim these babies off a little bit, because they were too long for the width of the car. And I added ring holes to the bottom edge there so that both sides of the curtain will be drawn up evenly over the car. I guess you could call this vehicle ford of the rings. [ no audio ] okay, now, to automate the unit, well, that's where my tape measures come back into play. I pull out the tape on both sides, then attach the ends of the tapes to the front edge of my curtain. Then all's I gotta do is lock the recoil switch on each of 'em, and we're ready for a road test. Who cares about the sun? Because now when I park and pull on the hood release, I got it made in the shade. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you hand -- oh, yeah, one more thing. If you wanna protect your doors as well, go back to the tub, get the bath mat out of there. No only great protection from the sun, but also from those idiots who ding you when they park too close. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you know, there comes a time in the lives of most men when you realise you've taken better care of your cars than you have of your own body. Heck, you've taken better care of rental cars than your own body. And it's not a rental, is it, huh? You can't just ditch your body in the woods and then report it stolen. Are you one of those guys? Is there a chance you haven't kept yourself in showroom condition? Easy way to find out. Stand in front of the bathroom mirror. Don't actually look in the mirror. You aren't ready for that yet. I'm just saying open up the medicine cabinet, take a look at what's inside there. Remember when you were young you've have nothing in there except maybe a tube of toothpaste, bottle of mouthwash, eh? Now what do you got? Antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, anti-diarrhea stuff, anti-depressants, in case the anti-diarrhea stuff doesn't work? There was a time when your medicine cabinet was practically empty. Now you almost need to build on because you got tubes and bottles all over the sink counter across the top of the toilet tank, on every horizontal surface in the whole bathroom. You may actually need a walk-in medicine cabinet. That's because your life has reached the halfway point between pimple cream and liver spot remover. See, this is when men need those medicines the most because when you really are old, everything that they're used for is dried up, shriveled away, hardened, softened, wrinkled, crinkled, blown out or fallen off. So stop complaining, take your medicine like a man, and remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] I emptied the rest of the radioactive fertilizer onto the sunflowers there. You know, now I guess this is a nuclear efficient lodge. Uncle red! The sunflower seeds are still growing. They're almost up to the roof. Yeah, I gave 'em a little boost there, harold. I think the lodge'll be hidden in just a few minutes now. Old man sedgwick will never find us. Oh, yeah! [ chuckles ] they're past the roof! They're past the roof! That's fine. That's fine. They're very close to the power lines, uncle red. Very close! Harold, you worry about everything. [ mock fear ] they're very close to the power lines. These flowers are so scary, aren't they? Well, I think someone should turn the power off to the lodge! Oh, I wouldn't bother, harold. Well, then fine. I'll do it myself. Well, suit yourself. Maybe the baby should take the thumb out of his mouth. Oh! [ shuddering ] I told you not bother, harold. Red (voice over): It was an exciting day for us all. Walter was moving, and we were helping him out. Winston showed up with one of the trucks of his sewage fleet there. We asked him not to bring the pumper. But it doesn't matter what winston brings, it's got a certain something to it, you know. Like, to me, I would've taken the hoses out before I brought it over, but that's just winston. So we got a fair number of box -- walter took a good load, I thought. I mean, it's his stuff. So I got mine in to the truck there, and I thought walter would just slide his into my left, but he went another way with it. I don't understand. Walter, it's really -- yeah, all right. No, that's fine. You're good. You're good. You're good. Oh, ah, oh -- uh-oh! So walter throws his up there, and then -- look. He's very athletic. Look at this. And then he's inviting us to do the same. Not gonna happen, I don't think. So we just start casually throwing the boxes. Like I say, he's pretty athletic. Well, maybe he's not that athletic. Then you always have that one heavy bit when you're moving. This dresser weighed a lot. So winston got the idea to take the drawers out of her, which I thought was good, but didn't really understand the -- I don't quite see how that -- but winston says, no, no. What he's going to do is use the rope off the flagpole. If I can just tie that around the drawers and dresser, then we can use like a pendulum deal, and instead of lifting it onto the truck, we'll just hoist her up, and we'll just swing her one there, you know? Bring her in. And then if we just tie that off on the flagpole, and then we can do like a an up and over or an easy goer or a under rounder or whatever the heck they call it. Now, watch this. Now, you catch this, walter. Here she comes. Here she comes. Oh! Okay, just -- I'm sure it wasn't that expensive an heirloom. Now, we've got just a little bit of room left and we've got all this stuff we've gotta figure out -- so winston's got the idea what we gotta do is get everything into the one box. So I dump this box in there. But to me there seems to be -- this is like packing a trunk when you're going away on holidays. It just doesn't seem like you can get everything in. You know, some people I guess they're better packers. Like I tried to get that golf bag in. It just would not go. But winston grabs her, and he has an eye. He just just flips her over and there you go. So we get everything except the pull-out sofabed. And that was a pitch fork. We didn't realise these things spring out. Oh! Oh, you're fine. So we think if walter would lay on it, his weight would hold the bed down. Is that the quickest way there, do you think? Anyway, he gets on there. Now we get her loaded on to the back of the truck. I mean, walter has to stay there, but it's good. He can see where his new house is. And we're all set to go. And you know, that would've been the end of it. It's a perfect day. Everything turned out great. But we forgot about the pipes that winston had left, and then away she goes. And -- oh! Well, that's even better, because I was afraid we were going to leave a box behind. But we got everything now, including walter. And walter, what you can do now, I guess, is stay back there and hold the load on. He won't ask us to help him next time, will he? [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you know, everybody's been bugging me that I should drive a more fuel-efficient vehicle. But I think I've come up with a better way to do the same darned thing. Now, I know if you follow close enough behind one of these big tractor trailer units, you can save a lot of gas because the truck is blocking the air resistance. In other words, it's breaking the wind so you don't have to. But here's a way to not burn any gas. I took the pull start mechanism off of a lawn mower that I borrowed, and then I mounted her onto the hood of my car here. Had to add a little extra rope to her, but what I end up with is a spring loaded toe mechanism that I have complete control over. Now, I know you're thinking, hey, this is dangerous. I mean, truck drivers are big strong guys. They could easily come back here and test the limits of my dental plan. But for that to happen they'd have to see me first, wouldn't they? If the guy starts heading in some direction I don't wanna go, I just release the handle, drop her into gear and head for the next truck stop. [ applause ] [ coughing ] there we go. We're good. We're good. No problem. No problem, harold. No problem?! We almost burned the lodge down! And that's no problem? Now, see, to me, the key word there is "almost". And look what you learned today. You learned that sunflowers are flammable. You didn't know that. You learned that the fire department doesn't always get there on time. And I learned not to stand in water during an electrical fire. Where'd that water come from anyway? I'd rather not say. And you know, I'm thinking you learned that every cloud has a silver lining. Well, not when it's a mushroom cloud. See, you're not looking at the big picture here. We had to either hide the lodge or pay $1,000 fine. Okay, the sunflower plan didn't work perfectly. No, no, not perfectly, no! Okay. Okay. But now the city's putting up a great big billboard that's gonna block the lodge. So mission accomplished. Uncle red, the sign says, "toxic waste. Keep out"! Semantics, harold. That's all that is, eh? I mean, the job got done. Didn't cost us anything. We're the lucky ones. Oh, really? Well, I might not be able to have children. Well, then they're the lucky ones. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be right down. Be careful now. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned today that you can't fix an ugly thing by hiding it. But I'm still not gonna shave my beard off. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and fireman harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody, sit down. Meeting time. Take your seats. Sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. What are you eating there, winston? Oh, sunflower seeds. You want some? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com